No, Watches Are Not Jewelry: Cutting Through the Million-dollar Question, One Layer at a Time
When I hear or read the word “jewelry,” I automatically divide it into two distinct categories: tacky and classy. When I say tacky, I’m talking about gold chains worn by British chavs, the crazy grill guarding your favorite rapper’s teeth, and the iced-out cross hanging from one Mr. Mark Wahlberg’s neck.
Rapper Paul Wall (photo courtesy Bradley G/Wikipedia)
I’m talking about pinky rings worn by mafiosos of old, the silver spike jutting from your local punk rocker’s lip, and the leather bracelet your dad took to wearing in his sad and embarrassing attempt to reclaim his youth.
I’m talking about sparkly nose studs, flimsy anklets, massive hoops, stainless steel barbells (my eyes are up here), shark tooth necklaces, Mardi Gras beads, and trinket sets, affixed to cardboard squares and sold by H&M and the like.
On the classier side, I think of gemstones, lab-grown diamonds, and billion-year-old, unethically sourced rocks, cut into geometrically satisfying shapes and shimmering in a De Beers shop window.
I think of the Peregrina Pearl, the Dresden Green Diamond, and the only thing Kate Winslet wore for her transatlantic portrait.
Kate Winslet as Rose in Titanic
I think of Russian eggs, Ethiopian opals, and Persian pearls. I think of bridal sets, coronation jewels, heirloom lockets, and ornamental brooches.
Pre-1917 Fabergé Coronation Egg (photo courtesy The Forbes Collection)
I think of gold and platinum and silver, fashioned into eye-wateringly expensive accessories, all bearing sexy name-brand stamps: Cartier, Chopard, Bulgari, Tiffany, Graff, Van Cleef & Arpels.
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In either case, when I hear or read the word “jewelry,” I don’t think, “A. Lange & Söhne Zeitwerk.” No siree Bob. Referring to a Zeitwerk as jewelry is absurd. It just isn’t—in the same way that a peregrine falcon isn’t a pet. Or in the same way that a Rambo knife isn’t silverware. Or in the same way that a ghost pepper isn’t garnish.
View of the back of the A. Lange & Söhne Zeitwerk Decimal Strike
A Zeitwerk is, as the Brits would say, a serious piece of kit, and its defining feature is the movement, which is made from heaps of interconnected parts, hand-finished and hand-assembled, and painstakingly engineered to perform with precision and panache.
A mechanical watch is—literally—a well-oiled, carefully calibrated machine. It has more in common with a revolver than it does with your sister’s bangle bracelet, your brother’s fake dog tags, your mother’s pearl necklace, or the aforementioned leathery monstrosity wrapped around your father’s wrist.
Yes, I’m projecting. If I had the funds to back it, I would’ve thrown a blank check at the problem long ago: What will it take, old man? But I digress.
The sorts of people who like jewels are not the same as the kind that’s into watches. These are distinctly different tribes—what they like and what we like couldn’t be further apart. Those who like a Cartier Love Ring, a Van Cleef & Arpels Alhambra bracelet, or a Return to Tiffany pendant like them for the status symbols they are and not much else. They’re interested not in the product itself, but in what the product says about them: They must be doing well.
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And if you’re walking around with a 200-carat chandelier dangling from your neck, everyone will know just how well you’re doing. Of course, all this comes at an extraordinary cost, but that’s precisely the point. To live like a “baller.” To be the envy of your friends. To showcase your wealth: What, this old thing? Taste gives way to status, reason to vanity, sensibility to glitz and glam. One thing’s for sure …
No one (I checked) is wearing a million-dollar necklace because they’re passionate about jewels. Ever walk into a name-brand jeweler’s boutique and see any of their customers hunched over a desk, pouring over a piece with a loop in hand, inspecting the fit and finish? I’m guessing not.
Ever heard any of them talking shop with one another, discussing their version of Omega’s dot over 90? Again, probably not. Aside from industry folk, the people who wear jewels are a frivolous bunch, disinterested in the minutiae and intricacies of what they obsess over. As long as it’s cute, patently expensive, and “all the rage right now,” they’re good to go. Unlike ours, their pursuit is a superficial, materialistic mindset, not a hobby.
Yes, people wear watches for similar reasons, but for every Chad who does, there’s a hobbyist who likes a watch for what it is: a microcosm of engineering, craftsmanship, design, and history. That’s you and me. Our trained eyes recognize the blood, sweat, and tears that go into putting such things together. They linger on the finer details, marveling at the finish, counting the interior angles.
Watch manufacturers understand this and, in many cases, accommodate. Display case backs allow us to peer through the clockwork; to follow moving parts as they turn, jump, sweep, and oscillate. Our ears listen intently to what our precious little machines have to say, privy to their every tick, click, snap, and rattle, and serenaded by melodious rings and chimes.
Enter any watch forum at your peril, lest you drown in a torrent of jargon, intelligible only to die-hard enthusiasts. We get together and wax poetic about grand feu enamel, freehand engraving, mile-wide anglage, and lathe-turned guilloche. We drone on about “free-sprung” this and “position-adjusted” that and delve deep into the physics of “variable inertia” and “constant force.”
We’re a bunch of geeks, far removed from the well-to-do fashionistas and socialites whose lives revolve around keeping up appearances and outdoing one another in the spending department.
Tiret Kanye West
So, how did we get lumped in with the Audrey Hepburns and Grace Kellys of the world? Well, you can thank the slightly less elegant ilk of DJ. Khaled and Producer Michael for that. In fact, you can blame anyone who describes their outfit as “drip” and their watch collection as “shines.” You know, the type that subjects a Nautilus or a Royal Oak to the handiwork of a 47th Street gem setter.
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While we’re at it, let’s call that what it is: a crime, akin to tattooing Charlize Theron’s face or tagging the Taj Mahal. An even bigger crime is how household names bedazzle many of their offerings (including men’s watches) with “factory” diamonds and sapphires. Never has the term “gilding the lily” been more appropriate. Hey, you know what this Grand Complication needs? Baguette diamonds! Really, Patek?
Hello Kitty Ferrari
What else should we expect from luxury powerhouses? Factory spinners from Rolls Royce? Flame decals from Sunseeker? Gold flakes from the Savoy? This kind of excessive flair blurs the line between kit and bling. And it is, as the woke would say, problematic.
High-end watches don’t come cheap. For most of us, justifying such purchases isn’t easy. They are, after all, nonessential, arguably obsolete novelties that don’t serve any relevant, everyday functions like, say, a minivan or hearing aids for Junior.
Audemars Piguet T3 diamond set
When we relegate a watch to the jewelry department, we make it harder to convince ourselves and the people who depend on us that it might just warrant a slight rearrangement of priorities and a subsequent reallocation of funds.
So, please, for the love of cogs, avoid referring to watches as jewelry. That way I can have my Zeitwerk, the wife can catch a bus to work, and we can spare Junior the lectures and tirades.
You might also enjoy:
So, You Want to Buy a Rolex? Well, Daddy-O, I’m here to Talk you Out of It!
A. Lange & Söhne Zeitwerk: Digital Delight With A Mechanical Heart
Primer On Gemstones And Their Appreciation: An Introduction To The Finer Things
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Right On!! Thank you for pointing out the separation of “church and state” aspect of what has been and is becoming increasingly more so; a blurring of distinction of lines between jewelry and a watch! And that the two are different and why and that they should remain so!
I think that ‘bling’ and jewelry live on two different planets as well. When you look at the simplicity of the Alhambra earrings, bracelets and necklaces by Van Cleef & Arpels —a simple pair of mother of pearl earrings are $4,000+— we’re not talking ‘bling.’ Likewise the watch cases by companies best known for their jewelry also create some of the most quietly elegant cases—the Pierre Arpels Heure d’Ici & Heure d’Ailleurs Watch in a simple white gold case with bar lugs at the top and bottom. In the back is the DTZ time movement by Jean-Marc Wiederrecht —an equally gorgeous view—all in a case kept thin as Pierre Arpels envisioned a gentleman’s watch should be. (A small diamond is on top of the crown … hardly in the bling category.) I have a pre-Swatch Harry Winston Premiere Bi-retrograde in a red gold case and a Chaumet Dandy Arty Open Face in steel—both with beautiful cases and both with interesting horology. No bling at all. Finally, one of the reasons that the watch industry took off in Switzerland can be traced back to the French Wars of Religion between the Huguenots (Protestants) and Catholics. Many French Huguenot jewelers fled to Geneva where their skills were employed to make watch cases and even movements—Jean Calvin was a non-bling religious power in Geneva who disdained “jewelry making” but was very much on top of the work in watchmaking—hence much of the jewelers skills were in 16th Century watchmaking.