Please note that this article is tongue-in-cheek. If you do not think the subject might be humorous, don’t read on [ED] 

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It’s impossible to be a good Muslim without being modest and humble. Wearing a gold watch goes against these virtues. It’s less the material itself and more the Glengarry Glen Ross statement it makes: See this watch? How obnoxious.

Zenith Defy Zero G in red gold on red gold bracelet

If it’s white gold, some scholars say, it’s fine since it flies under the radar and makes you a man of the people. And there you have it! The short answer. Now, roll in the overhead projector ‘cause here comes the long one. 

Islam prohibits men from wearing gold for several more reasons, all practical and in service to the empire. Here’s one: your preoccupation with frivolous matters such as “Am I pulling this gold ring off?” distracts you from the cause and suggests that your heart just ain’t in it, not to mention your mind, which has wandered off to Unnecessary Land.

The cause, in case you’re wondering, is vanquishing Islam’s enemies and (preferably) dying in the attempt. Back then, whenever that was, the battlefield was often the way forward – the highway to heaven, if you like. So, your mind ought to be on swinging swords, not accessorizing. Are you trying to make a statement? “Allah Akbar,” that’s your statement. Now, grab that scimitar and off with you! 

Naturally, such undertakings require the kind of commitment and single-mindedness of a warrior prepared to fight and die for what they stand for. To some extent, the sentiment persists. You’ll find it in all modern militaries, even those belonging to hyper-inclusive, open-minded nations, such as the United States.

Under the roof of its armed forces, servicemembers adhere to strict dress codes that prohibit them from letting the freak flags fly. They’re not allowed to wear chains or earrings, for example, dye their hair purple, or paint their nails – not even in red, white, and blue. That would upset the uniformity of the team and (more importantly) send the wrong message: aren’t we the most fabulous outfit in town? 

Careful not to break a nail while reloading under heavy enemy fire. Ideally, you want to be intimidating, not cute. And in the fighting spirit of Islam, being rough around the edges is a virtue, while being soft is a liability. Thus, the ban on gold: a soft metal for soft people. I.e., women (don’t shoot the messenger). 

Unburdened by such expectations, women have always been free to drape themselves in gold, funds permitting. To wear it was to get dolled up, by the standards of the day, as it accentuates conventional femininity and flatters the fairer sex.

No harm, no foul. Therefore, it is—much like the kebab joint you hit on the way home from a rowdy night out— Hala. Meaning: two thumbs up. Hala for Hareem, Haram (meaning forbidden) for Harry and his boys. When hammering a point home, alliteration is hella-effective. But I ain’t done yet! Should Harry wear gold, he (according to the prophecy) will start to look like Sally. That can cramp an army’s style out on the battlefield.

Imitating disbelievers is yet another practical reason for the ban. It makes sense. If your opposing team is dressed in red, you don’t want your team in the same colors. For one, it would be confusing. Who’s on what side here?

Differentiate yourself from the enemy lest we forget what side you’re on. Instead, dress in blue green or pink. Maybe not pink. See paragraph above. Furthermore, failing to maintain a distinct identity is bad for the brand. Think of it as a matter of cultural appropriation (way ahead of the curve on that one). In other words, no copying! No elaborate mustaches for Muslims since it’s a big Sikh thing. No fasting on days Jews fast because we must contradict them. What’s that? Rome’s generals clad themselves in gold? Welp! No gold for us then. 

I only unfurl the history lesson here because of its relevance to this forum and the twelve Muslims who follow it. If you read my article One and Done, you’ll know I’m a sucker for a traditional, no-nonsense dress watch, preferably in (you guessed it) colored gold—or “African American gold,” as my friends from California refer to it.

But my friends in Saudi Arabia (where I’m from) give me a hard time. Gold on men is met with resistance there and in all Muslim states, pretty much. Strangers won’t hassle you; it’s not illegal to wear a gold Sub. They’ll sell it to you over there and not under any bogus unisex pretense, like it’s a gift for your wife. But if you buy it and wear it, family and friends will have something to say, at least if they’re of the Muslim faith. And it won’t be “Oh, my God, I love your watch!”

Haram. No two ways about it. So far so normal. But here’s where it gets interesting. Objections, for the most part, come from barely practicing, well-to-do Saudi/Khaleeji chads who are more than happy to look the other way on most other things: drinking, skirt-chasing, gossiping (all haram).

They won’t judge you for any of it. Au contraire! They’re cool, see? They’ll encourage bad behavior and join in, willingly and zealously. But if you show up to the party wearing a gold watch, God help you. 

Again, these aren’t straight-laced missionaries out to right all the wrongs in the world; they’re just looking to give somebody (anybody) a talking to. That’s why whenever some blowhard jumps in with their bullshit, showboating stance on men wearing gold, shaking their head and rubbing forefingers together, I call them out. They live in glass houses and all they ever seem to do is throw stones. I get that casting moral judgment gets you off, but what a weird, arbitrary place to draw the line and make your stand.

Why here and what for? The empire? Last I checked, you weren’t storming the Iberian Peninsula. So, what is it? Can’t you tell what side I’m on? Or do I look like a lady? Are you enjoying the view from your high horse? Or are you legitimately trying to save me, as if my choice of watch will tip the scale when I stand before God? “Well, sir, we were about to direct you to Hell, but we’ve just noticed you’re wearing a platinum Day-Date rather than a gold one, so welcome to Heaven.”

Platinum is fine. Why? Because Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) never mentioned it. Why? Because he died before it was discovered. Congratulations, you’re off the hook on a technicality. Feel free to splurge. Gold is haram, a display of debauchery and decadence, but platinum? All good in the hood, baby!

Rolex Day-Date 40 in platinum

Awesome. I’ll take my Day Date with an ice-blue dial, then, thank you very much! Blood diamonds and all. Also, I’m late for my rubdown. Can you mail it to my hotel? I’m staying at the Bellagio. My masseuse is Brazilian. Can you believe it? Brazilian! The things they do now are un-be-lievable! Do you accept casino chips for payment? She does. Anyway, where was I? 

Ah, yes! This people, is only the tip of the iceberg, virtue signaling from the Sea of Selective Righteousness. Here’s where we are: neglecting big no-nos, like being a racist or throwing food away, and focusing on the trivial, like “Is medium rare haram?” and “I accidentally stepped into the bathroom with my right foot rather than my left, will I go to hell for this?” No, sir, you’re going to hell for bothering people with your pedantry.

As for those who are trying in earnest to be good, they’re not getting their money’s worth from the watch hobby. Or maybe they are, since steel is less expensive, so a chambered “against my religion” excuse will save money. Sour grapes, anyone? Either way, they’re missing out.

I’m not saying you should not bother at all, but you’re not getting the full, unadulterated experience either. It’s like being both a foodie and a vegetarian. Most of the good stuff (foie gras, beef wellington, caviar, bluefin tuna, steak tartare, rack of lamb, veal chops, bone marrow, clam chowder, scallops, lobster, ribs, brats, gabagool) is off the table.

The same, though not to the same extent, is true for watches: a lot of the flair, the panache, the rich and hearty stuff, is colored. Yes, steel trended for a hot minute. And, yes, platinum is shelved above gold. Tantalum is exotic, titanium is cool, ceramic is bold, and bronze is quirky. But gold? Gold is the gold standard, baby. That’s why it’s called a “gold standard.”

Vacheron Constantin Historiques 222 in yellow gold

You want the yellow gold Vacheron Constantin 222, not the steel version. The steel to the gold is what Jaden is to Will Smith. We know who the daddy is. You want the Cartier Crash in its truest form: yellow gold, accept no substitutes. The Pie Pan Omega Constellation looks the absolute business in yellow. As is the case for the Rolex Day Date: get it in yellow and keep it presidential.

Warm look: A. Lange & Söhne 1815 Rattrapante Honeygold

Nearly all modern A. Lange & Söhne pieces look best in the company’s proprietary Honey Gold. Most dress watches look best in yellow just as most Ferraris look best in red. You may prefer other colors and to each their own, but there’s no arguing with quintessence. To be quintessential is to be a shining example of what something is supposed to be. Now, let’s bring it home. 

If, unlike me, you are a shining example of what a good Muslim man is supposed to be, I won’t encourage you to wear a gold watch. It’s not worth it. Pick yours up from heaven. As for all you bothersome pretenders, tightening and loosening your religious reins at will, I’ll see you in hell.

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So, You Want to Buy a Rolex? Well, Daddy-O, I’m here to Talk you Out of It!

The Case Against Watch Lume: It’s Weak Sauce and Here’s Why

One and Done? Dress Watch or Sports Watch?

Sorry Guys, Size Does Matter: You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Wrist and Other Things your Watch Retailer Won’t Tell You

No, Watches Are Not Jewelry: Cutting Through the Million-dollar Question, One Layer at a Time