Visit to a Rolex Retailer – Satire

Sometime in the not-too-distant future.

“Good morning, sir. Welcome to Rolex! How may I assist you?”

“I’m interested in the new 41.5 mm Submariner.”

“Excellent. That’s quite a bump up in size, however. Are you certain you can adjust to the additional heft and wrist presence?”

“I already own a 41.25 mm, I think I can handle it.”

“Good. Some people are traumatized by the additional 1/4 millimeter. It is a bold step on the part of Rolex! If you should suddenly find yourself stricken with insomnia or a bout of bed-wetting, we do have a support group that meets here on Thursdays.”

“Thanks. I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

“Excellent! I’ll just need you to sign this double-indemnity life insurance policy & legal document bequeathing all your internal organs to Rolex in case of sudden death … and a payment of $40,000 – preferably cash.”

“Forty grand for a $10,000 watch!???”

“Oh, it’s not for the watch, sir. That’s just the application fee for our waiting list.”

“How long a wait?”

“Sir, need I remind you that Einstein has already proven that time is relative?”

[Customer looks skeptical]

“However, if time is a consideration, I’m pleased to announce the opening of our new Cryogenic Freezing Facility next door to our foundry. We can keep you on Ice until a new Sub becomes available.”

“Wow! And I thought making your own hairsprings was impressive.”

“It’s all part of our new service. We’ll thaw you out once every five years to update you on our progress — and berate you for not purchasing a Yacht-Master II instead.”

“I could offer you a rental of our special DeLorean for $200k/day and you could pick up your Sub immediately, or you might consider a Tudor Black Bay – the waiting list for those is only 45 years.”

“This is insane! The entire watch industry has gone friggin’ insane!!!”

Another patron who’s been waiting chimes in”You think this is insane? You should check out the F.P. Journe boutique! They’re accepting applications for the new Chronomètre Bleu Squid Game.” 🥸🤡

You might also enjoy:

So, You Want to Buy a Rolex? Well, Daddy-O, I’m here to Talk you Out of It!

Watch Goes Up Must Come Down: An Industry Insider’s Top Secret Report . . . Or Is It? Warning: You May Laugh Out Loud

Sorry Guys, Size Does Matter: You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Wrist and Other Things your Watch Retailer Won’t Tell You

No, Watches Are Not Jewelry: Cutting Through the Million-dollar Question, One Layer at a Time

4 replies
  1. J. Quincy Magoo
    J. Quincy Magoo says:

    You got that right on the money!! These arrogant and avaricious knuckleheads look at customers as cattle for their calling! And there are a certain amount of customers and certain watch media that step in line for it.

  2. Leslie Fleischman
    Leslie Fleischman says:

    People said about American GIs based in the UK during WW2 prior to D-Day, ‘Oversexed, Overpaid and Over Here’ , my opinion of Rolex as Overpriced, Overhyped and Oversubscribed, as being the ugly face of horology, avarice rules here.
    Less than 5% of the population can afford one anyway and there much nicer watches freely available elsewhere.
    Rule of thumb, don’t buy a Rolex wait for the vanishing waiting lists lol

  3. Quentin R. Bufogle
    Quentin R. Bufogle says:

    For the record, when it comes to the topic of the “Giant of Geneva” I’m neither fanboy nor hater. As I’ve (hopefully) made clear in a previous Quill & Pad article about the Air-King 116900, I’m an owner who has what I believe to be a well-grounded appreciation for the marque.

    In no way is my little satire intended as a putdown of Rolex or its many devotees; just a gentle elbow in the ribs to those dealers who’ve been somewhat less than gracious to those who aspire to ownership — and a reminder that although passions may run high, watch collecting is a hobby (and it ought to be fun!) …


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